Strong For Her Tasks Part 2 - A letter to Julia and Ilaria

Dear sweet girls,

I recently made the very careful choice to resign from my job to be with you. I want you to know that I never encourage "quitting," but peace is essential in life. I truly love teaching, but my heart felt extremely heavy and conflicted every single day before I committed to this decision. I felt split, scattered, burdened, and frustrated. I felt time slipping through my fingers as my exhausted mind and body half-way witnessed you grow. I desperately wanted to be fully present for you. I wanted to relish this time and make all the necessary sacrifices so it could be possible. I am thankful for your Daddy and his encouragement through it all.

I have dreamed of being your mommy and a wife for my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I have many other dreams, too. Actually, I dream and create all the time. But, right now, I hear God telling me it's time to invest in my family. Even writing this out makes my heart feel so much peace and sheer joy. This morning, I felt called to read Proverbs 31:10-31 again. In my letter to Julia I focused on the part in verse 17, "She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks." The funny thing is that there's a new kind of work and, most definitely, a new kind of strength required now. Once again, I am made to realize women are phenomenal creatures. We adapt and we're gritty.

I now have the privilege of spending my days with you, and God has written new pages of my story. I never could have dreamed I'd get to be here. Literally, a page turn over from Proverbs 31 is a whole section in Ecclesiastes about time. There is truly a time for all things. It says specifically that there's a time to plant and a time to uproot. It doesn't distinguish how long those seasons last or how close they might be to one another. I find myself uprooting from one part of life and planting, so very carefully, in another. I am right where He needs me.

Now it's time to plant, heal, and build. Girls, it's time to laugh, time to dance, and it is, without question, a time to keep.

Love,

Mommy

A Beautiful Day Outside

"It's a beautiful day outside!" Julia remarked from the backseat as gray skies prevailed and rain drenched the streets. We were on our way to the library after painting pottery together on a rare mother/daughter date (sans baby). Whether she was being sarcastic or totally serious with her statement, I am still not completely sure. Regardless, it made me think deeper into her little mind. To her, maybe rainy days are pretty. She hasn't necessarily been around long enough to be swayed by popular opinions about the weather and how it is supposed to affect us. Come to think of it, she doesn't even know how to be sarcastic yet. 

Over the last month or so (since bringing home her baby sister, Ilaria), we've had our struggles. Actually, I have to admit that my weepy moments in the first weeks were not due to the newborn, but because of the strained relationship with my toddler. I could just look at her and tears would fill my eyes. Julia had been our whole world for 2 years and 8 months. For the first time in her life, I wasn't seeing her consistently. I couldn't follow our routines or physically keep up. I wasn't allowed drive her anywhere, much less lift or carry her. It was really hard and I found myself missing her, even if she was in the same room. 

After those weepy, beginning weeks it hasn't gotten much easier. She's been testing us - mainly me -with extreme spurts of defiance. She won't listen and doesn't comply a lot of the time. She argues. She refuses to eat dinner. She lays down on the floor in tantrum mode. The picture above shows her sprawled out, after a time out, still refusing to put away those letters and fast asleep from all the energy released in her little struggle. She has become a really solid 2 year old - the kind you always hear about but refuse to believe you'll actually inherit. We've "parented" until our options have run dry. It's tough sometimes. 

When I really sit on that statement she made about the weather, though, I realize her little mind is clearer. It's less swamped, less complicated, and knows so much less. Her mind is new, fresh, and impressionable. In a just few weeks time, she's been taken out of her typical routine and moved over (partially) out of the spotlight. Her mama has been, well, tired, less available, and short-fused. She's been forced to welcome a teeny stranger into her home and witness large amounts of crying and blow-out poopy diapers. I have had to conclude that she probably, and very simply, just wants to feel the old, familiar love. She is craving it. One afternoon, in fact, she wouldn't stop crying and she whined, "Mama, hold me. Mama kiss me." My heart broke right there and it still didn't feel like there were enough pieces of it to go around. In this same moment, imagine me stationed in place, feeding the baby, with the toddler crying and the Yorkie barking to be let outside. She just wants to be listened to, hugged, read to, and played with. She also very likely believes that every day is beautiful outside. 

All this innocence is truly beautiful. In these tough days where growing hurts and transitions are painful, I have to remind myself to treasure it all. In comparison to my itty-bitty

nine pound, five-week-old infant, Julia seems so big. She's getting bigger every single day. That's just what happens and you cannot stop it. On a short family walk after dinner, she said, "I'm teachin' you how to be parents. I do that." I giggled, "Julia, where did you hear that?" and it quickly dawned on me, as she often does, that she was directly quoting one of her books, You Were the First. It is such a sweet story about the important role a first child has in the life of a family. We had to chuckle at how timely and how funny it was that she chose to say this part of the story aloud. She is teaching us how to be parents. We are learning as she learns. We get to love her and continue to shape her mind, but we need a lot of grace through the process. What an amazing (yet ridiculously challenging) gift. 

God teaches us that His compassions never fail because of a Great Love. We are made in His image and so have this fiery love for our own children. He also reminds us that His mercies are renewed each day. Therefore, we continue in faith, no matter what each day brings. So yes, I guess it is even possible for us to help Julia to continue to admire the rain as we weather these new, proverbial storms. After all, rain does indeed help things to become green and flourish. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

We Were Made to Hold on

Courtney Malone Photography

We are three weeks in as a family of four and we've been extremely fortunate to have many family members and friends come to love on us over the last few weeks. For me, it is one of the best parts of bringing baby home. With that said, I happen to have a couple of close friends who are weeks away from joining the "Family of Four Club." Naturally, they are very curious how it is really going. One of them jokingly remarked that it seemed like everything was going perfectly based on my Instagram posts. That was when it hit me that I had something more to share. 

Let's backtrack to week one of bringing home baby #2. We came home from the hospital on July 4th. For those of you who don't know, we have another daughter, Julia, who is 2 years and 8 months old. We intricately planned the logistics of how we'd bring baby home so that our oldest would assume her role as "Big Sis." We made sure she was at the hospital with us and that she rode home in the car and even helped carry the baby over the threshold. We wanted her to feel established and big and important. We were home only a few minutes before chaos ensued. Julia got out the baby play mat, laid under it, and reverted back to a full-blown, cooing, babbling baby. Our extremely verbal, capable toddler was acting just like an infant. You hear stories about kids reverting...but this...this was unreal. 

That same afternoon, I was doing my best to get the hang of breastfeeding without the support of a remote-controlled hospital bed. Having had a second c-section, sitting on the couch to feed was awkward and uncomfortable. As I am leading that ring of the circus, Julia begins to require one-on-one attention from her daddy. For the past two months, she has refused to poo in the potty OR in her diaper. She withholds for up to six days until it is painful. Well, homecoming day was one of those special, painful days. It lasted for three hours (whining, cramping, repeat) until she finally went. Homecoming day concluded as Julia and Chris watched fireworks from the driveway, and I was able to see a few out the living room window from my swivel chair as I fed the babe. 

I don't remember much about the next day. Late the following evening (around 1:30 am) Chris took his temperature and discovered he had a fever of 102.3. I, of course, banished him to the man cave to sleep and called my mom in the middle of the night to come help me. We changed the sheets and she slept over with me, helping with diaper changes every couple of hours. My mother-in-law immediately drove from the lake the next morning and picked up Julia. She took her to stay at the lake for a couple of days. Meanwhile, Chris went to the doctor the next day only to find out that he has some kind of virus that causes chills, fever, skin sensitivity, and loss of appetite. He had to stay away from baby for 48 hours post fever, so he spent his nights at his parent's house. He and Julia were finally able to rejoin us on Sunday. 

Fast forward to the second week where we ended up taking a middle-of-the-night trip to the ER for some (what turned out to be minor) complications. My mom, once again, came rushing over in the middle of the night to stay with Julia. From 2:00 am-6:00 am I had blood work and ultrasounds. In the midst of all that, I had to breastfeed an infant in my emergency room bed with an IV in one arm. It was laughable. After I was discharged, we stopped at McDonalds for  biscuit at sunrise and went straight home to sterilize ourselves and the baby. Truly, we just had to laugh.

As I think back on some of the sweet moments in all the aforementioned chaos, I remember my brother meeting Ilaria for the first time. As a doctor, he can't help but put his skills to use and check for things like infant reflexes. As he checked the grasp reflex, her tiny fingers instantly wrapped around his. It has stuck with me since then that we were literally made to hold on. From the beginning, one of our first instincts is to cling on. It is not the first time that this little phenomenon has left me inspired (read here). We were made to hold on. We need each other. We need our parents. We need our friends. Babies need their mommies. Mommies need their babies. We were made to hold on and we were made to  love and be loved. It was definitely not a mistake, but a tiny hint from God, that we come into the world with this need, literally.

Metaphorically speaking, we were also made to hold on. When life gets tough, we have to hold on. When life is really good, we joyfully hold on. On a roller coaster, through all the dips and whirls, you naturally grasp tightly. We hold on in gratitude, and we hold on in the expectation that we will continue to have something to grasp. Having something to cling to can also always be equated to the promise that we never walk alone.  

So, I guess you can say we've held on in the last few weeks and, honestly, it has been really, really good. We've had friends bring us meals and stay to keep us company. We've had great medical care. We've had family step in and care for us without question - at any hour. And, we have a beautiful new daughter to wrap her tiny fingers around ours and remind us (in case we almost forgot) that we were made for one another and to hold on. 

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 129:13

The Mystery of You

It was late in my pregnancy with Julia when I found myself nesting in the aisles of Homegoods, and an older woman approached me. These words flowed from her with the kind of wisdom only grandmothers and teachers can give: "Pregnancy is the only time we get to help God perform a miracle." What a joy-packed, life-giving, and grace-filled statement that is. 

As we are two days away from knowing the sex of our new baby, it does not escape me that God has once again allowed me to help Him. I am truly soaking up the anticipation and the excitement in these last days of wonder. When Wednesday comes, we will get to know our child a little more. Part of the mystery of who this little one is in there will be shown to us. Isn't it funny that I am physically carrying this baby as he or she lives within me, yet God already knows every minute detail? Every hair. Every attribute. Every smile. Every up. Every down. All the days to come? So, while we wait in anticipation of black and white ultrasound videos and a determination of sex, God has been there and will be there creating it all.

I can't help but think He grins a little over my literal dreams each night concerning the reveal. I bet he loves that we sit debating boy or girl, making silly predictions where we have a 50% chance of being right. Whether we realize it or not, all of these antics and conversations inevitably stem from the fact that we are completely in awe of creation and the divine nature of our Creator. 

Some people choose not to find out if their baby is a boy/girl and want to wait until birth. I think that's wonderful (and frankly I wish I had it within me!) but, finding out (for me) means that the pregnancy becomes less clinical and much more personally connected. I love that we can get to know this little person already. I am ecstatic to know whether we will have a son or daughter or if Julia will gain a brother or sister. I am not ignoring the fact that Wednesday also shows us the progression of development and the physical health of our baby. I am praying big things for this little one. 

There are few times in life with good, uncontrolled surprises. As I sit and contemplate a little longer, in a few days I know I'll wish  I remembered exactly what the unknown felt like. As I have dreamed of the future, I've always wondered how many sons and daughters we'd have and what they would be like. The unknown seems to be a dim place of earthy uncertainty but an opportunity to hold onto a bright, ethereal out-stretched hand from heaven. So, today I will sit here and look down at this little  growing bump, soaking up the mystery of it all. 

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20

Enjoy the Little Things

As many of us start to gear up for a new school year or a new season, stress creeps in. As a teacher, this is especially true. Beating the crowds for school supplies, outfitting myself and the baby, realizing that my 'free time' is dwindling, beginning to lesson plan and get the classroom in top shape, etc. The list truly goes on and on (so much so that I even dream about it). I will be the first to admit that I swing on the Type A side and I am anxious over much of life. I want everything to fit into a controlled box with all that I do. Admittedly, motherhood has changed that side of me a bit. That's what I want to talk about today. Today, August 7th, as things begin to be stressful again, I want to SLOW down and focus on a few of the sweet gifts that motherhood has thrown at me. I have been tinkering with these ideas and this perception for a while.

Seasons don't slow down and seconds aren't ever extended. As I have been able to be home with Julia this summer, I have also had time to think. I have had time to scroll one too many times on Facebook as well. I am sure you've seen the negative mommy articles that tend to circulate and how people negatively portray life with children or reiterate the scary, frustrating things. Sure, there are those days where you cannot get anything done: laundry is piling up, your freshly-vacuumed floor is quickly flooded with books and toys, your list of errands is still just a list, your intentions feel like they will always be intentions. I get it. We are busy. Some days we definitely feel tired and mentally weak. Believe me, I get that too. We also live in that kind of high-expectations, ever-busy society and to top it off, you're a mom.

The thing is, motherhood can be one of the very best stress relievers. Yes, you read that right. I'll say it again. Becoming a mom can reduce stress. Hear me out for a second: When you're a mom, you are forced to stop thinking about just yourself. It can be a good distraction from the daily grind. I'd like to offer you a positive (and hopefully convincing) To Do list that provides a variety of ways to soak in just how good motherhood is for the soul. This is a list of  Motherhood "To Dos" that will actually allow you to breathe deeply, calm your being, and laugh a whole lot more.

1. WALK

 Push that stroller. Take in some fresh air and stretch your legs. Peruse the neighborhood and narrate your surroundings. You might even notice something new.

2. READ

Use silly voices. Relive your old favorites. Read the same story so many times you've memorized it. Try to recite it in your free time (character voices are optional).

3. SING

Your baby doesn't know that you can't carry a tune. Sing! Sing anywhere. Sing all the time. Turn on Disney Pandora and belt it out.

4. DANCE

While you sing, throw in some ridiculous moves. Let her copy you. Have a dance party in the kitchen before dinner.

4. CREATE

When was the last time you sat in the driveway and drew with chalk? Now's your chance. Buy some big bottles of tempera paint. Show her how to mix colors. Buy fresh crayons and construction paper (Who doesn't love a new box of crayons?). Pull out one of those orphan socks and make a puppet. You can shamelessly keep the Amazon boxes an extra week or two and make a "house" or a "rocket ship." Why not?

5. PLAY

You now have a real excuse to go down the toy aisle (as if you needed one, right?!).  All your old faithful toys that have been housed in attic boxes can make a come back. Dress up. Blow bubbles. Imagine and dream. Relive the glory days. Find that little girl you used to be.

7. GO

Explore the city around you with new eyes. Explore the museum. Sit with a stack of books on the floor at the library. Watch her run through the splash pad at the park. Skip the crowd at the new restaurant for the Early Bird Special. Strap on the carrier and take a hike. Indulge in your hometown.

6. MAKE A MESS

Play in the sandbox. Put your hands and feet in. Make play dough over the stove. Roll it into a ball and then work it into a "snake." Eat ice cream and don't worry if it drips a little down the side. Watch your child try spaghetti for the first time. Take a picture. Love the mess (or at least try)!


7. DRAW A BATH

Fill the tub with stack-able cups, squirt toys, and lots of bubbles. Take in that lavender baby bath soap smell. Seriously, SWEETEST. SMELL. EVER. It wont last forever.

8. SNUGGLE

After that warm bath, settle in with the lights off and sit in that glider. Rock and just stare at that glorious gift in your arms. Don't look at the time or your phone. Notice how she looks that day. Stay in that moment without mentally fast-forwarding. Let time be where it is. Let yourself smile.

9. PRAY

Tell the Lord how grateful you are. Pray for her future. Pray for her development and her relationships. Let her be yet another wonderful reason to pray.

10. LOVE (ON REPEAT)

As you do these things over and over, enjoy them in her different and refreshed stages. Hug her, give her forehead and cheeks sweet little kisses. Tell her you love her. Your heart will be so thankful.


Remember to enjoy the little things.

Love,

Lauren

The Itchy Halo

"Now, as we line up, think about how special it is to get to do this!" 

[The class begins walking to the sanctuary] 

"My halo itches..." complained one. 

"This crown is too tight," retorted another.

"Do we have to stand the whole time?" a third questioned.

This year has marked quite a transition in my career as an educator. Last year I taught 20 children at a Title 1 elementary school. This year I teach 13 at a private, Christian school. This year, my class just so happened to be the Nativity in the school Christmas program. It was especially remarkable for me to watch my students portray the wise men, shepherds, angels, Mary, and Joseph. I felt reflective, thankful, and tearful, even to get to hold the baby doll Jesus for my seven-year-old "Mary" as she waited to go up on stage. This year, I finally get to speak real, Christmas truths to my 2nd graders every morning in preparation for the portrayal of these roles.

As we went through dress rehearsal and I heard the quotations aforementioned above, I couldn't help but continue to think about how relevant their comments are to the story they are telling. It was easy, as their teacher, to go immediately to the place of correction. "Let's not complain! You get to have such a special opportunity this year to be the Nativity!" But, as I thought about it more and more, there was a better more teachable moment to explore. 

The day of the performance, as we had our morning devotion in the classroom, I said something like this to my students: "As we were rehearsing yesterday, I heard an awful lot of complaining. A lot of you mentioned how uncomfortable you were in your costumes and how hard it was to stand and wait for so long. I want you to think back to the day that Jesus was born. Do you think that Mary was comfortable? Having a baby in a barn probably wouldn't have been too much fun, right? She was probably scared and nervous, too. What about Joseph? Do you think he was worried about Mary? Do you think he wished there had been a more appropriate place for them to stay that night? Now let's also consider how far the wise men traveled in search of Jesus. I wonder if their feet were hurting? I wonder if they were tired of carrying all of their belongings and the gifts? Lastly, there was our King. He was basically born in a barn and then his first bed was a feeding trough for animals. I bet he was pretty uncomfortable, too. As you get uncomfortable today, remember how true those feelings were for the people you are representing." 

I haven't really stopped thinking about this conversation. It is natural for kids to grumble and say things like that in costume but something really special has come from this small moment - an epiphany of sorts. God sent his only Son for us and gave Him up for us - sacrificial, painful love. Mary gave birth to Jesus in a stable - blinding, fearful trust. Jesus was born and slept his first nights in a manger - humbly, meekly and a totally unexpected entrance for a King. Jesus then was crucified on a cross for our sins - excruciating obedience. All were beyond uncomfortable so that God could fulfill the ultimate love story which begins as, well, Christmas. 

We are not called to be Christians to live a life of comfort. We are called to be uncomfortable. We are called to step out and be His hands and feet, his disciples, in exchange for an everlasting, forgiven life. 

I pondered this. What does it mean for me? The next time I'm in a hurry at the grocery store, I need to take a millisecond to smile or offer a "Merry Christmas" to a stranger. I need to give financially more often to help others (even if I "can't afford to"). I need be more obedient to the Holy Spirit when I feel pushed to do the right thing in those moments of weakness. I need to give of my time. I need to tell others about Jesus and how much I love Him. None of these discomforts even come close to the pain He felt for us. 

I don't know about you, but I have definitely been the one to complain about the itchy, often crooked, halo. I have failed to see that the moments of discomfort in life are the ones where we have the opportunity to shine more brightly for our Lord and Savior. We can be thankful for our itchy halos and too-tight crowns. After all, what a privilege it is to wear them at all.  

"I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

Merriest Christmas,

Lauren

(See also Matthew 28:19)

Forever Mine

Dear Sweet Julia,

After I put you in new, one size-up pajamas after your big girl bath time and rocked you to bed, I have to write this to you. We had a wonderful day; you have become quite my little sidekick: We walked almost five miles on the Swamp Rabbit with new mama and baby friends. We took the dogs to the vet for their check-up. I gave you cantaloupe, green beans and even a bite of ham with your pureed, squash dinner. We blew bubbles on the bench in the backyard and you giggled and belly laughed at them. What a wonder you are, Julia. What joy you bring to me and us, my littlest love.

You see, as I was rocking you, I sang a variety of songs like I try to do on most nights. I sang "Amazing Grace" last but added in the "My Chains are Gone" verses on repeat. Something just struck a chord with me during that quiet time. The lyrics were a great reminder that I have been saved from the darkness and toils of this world. I am found in Christ. I pray that you will know this truth and hold it in your heart so that you can show grace, love, and mercy to everyone. Our world needs those things so desperately.

I also realized, in the last line, "You'll be forever Mine...You are forever Mine" I want/wish to apply those verses to my relationship with YOU but I can't. I love you so much my heart could burst. I love you so much that tears fill my eyes just thinking about how much I love you and how much I want to protect you. But, you are a gift entrusted to me from our Father. Our time on this earth is fleeting and fast; it isn't forever. (Unfortunately that whole "put a brick on your head" doesn't actually stop you from growing up too quickly.) I just thought you would stay a baby so much longer. And it hit me..."you are forever Mine" is a lyric that reveals a gleam in words of His love for us -- His children. As I rocked and felt totally at peace and content holding you, looking at your sleeping eyes and your tiny hands resting on me, I felt God's love. He sees the best in us. He loves us so much. We are His children forever. What a beautiful thing. I cannot imagine if I love you as much as I do just how much He loves us. I cannot imagine how much He wants for us to love Him back and to have a relationship with Him.

One day, I hope you get to be a mama. It is SUCH a glorious gift no matter how it comes to be. He lets a mother's love be that great to give us a glimpse of the love He has for us. I believe He also gives us children to show us how He views us: unblemished, unique, full of potential, and in constant need of grace, guidance, and protection.

I love you, Julia. He loves you more. He chose us to be yours. We'll be forever His. You'll be forever His.

Love,

Your Mama

Strong For Her Tasks - a letter to Julia

My Sweet Julia,

Today is my last day of maternity leave with you. I have been dreading this day since before you were even born. To be honest, I never could really imagine myself as a "working mom" but God has a different plan.

I have adored caring for you each and every day, uninterrupted. You have somehow had a way of slowing me down but speeding my life up drastically - it's the strange time continuum of having a new baby and becoming a new mama. How has it been 10 weeks? I love each moment - the smiles and the cries, dressing you up and hanging up your laundry to dry, rocking you to bed and being greeted each morning by your sweet, rested eyes, breast feeding and pumping. I love putting little hats on you and tucking you in a warm blanket before we leave the house. I love crafting new headbands for your tiny head. I loved holding you and calming you down after first doctor visits. I loved that first time I took you to the Fresh Market and nearly knocked everyone down in our path with bucket seat in one arm and the grocery basket in the other. I loved introducing you to everyone and having friends and family in and out constantly. I still clearly remember the first time I was sure you really saw me for the first time. I loved blocking the rest of my world out to focus on you.

I want you to know, though, that I am going to work for a reason. I am going to help provide for our family. I am going to teach twenty children how to read and give them a safe, fun, and nurturing place to learn. I am on a mission while I am not with you. You, my child, have a mission too. You get to know and spend time with your Mams, Dee Dee, and your Daddy. God has given you this very special time to get to bond with your grandmothers and your Daddy. As much as I am going to miss you each day and look back on this time with much nostalgia and fondness, I am also going to be grateful. We have been given MANY blessings.

Your Daddy reminded me, as I was in tears about this time of transition, that I have to choose to be positive. He's so right. You will have hard times in your life and you really do have to choose to be positive. My mind was flooding with all the seemingly impossible tasks. How can I be a great teacher and leave at or before 4pm? How will the house stay clean? How will I continue to breastfeed and pump for you? How will I get ready and out the door each morning? How will I have time to cook and enjoy our family in the evenings?  He reminds me that I am a strong woman. God reminds me that I am a strong woman and that women are made to be pretty darn incredible creatures (see Proverbs 31:10-31).

I am sure that in a few weeks, it will still be challenging. I will still miss you and wonder what you are doing when I am not around. But, the coolest thing, Julia, is that I will always be your mama. No one will ever replace me. Our bond is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am so in awe of you and pinch myself every day to make sure you aren't a dream. You really are such a miracle. Please know, little one, that I love you so very much. Today may be my last day of this very special time called maternity leave but it's still just at the start of this awesome journey as your mama.

Love,

 Your Mommy

For Now

For Now

your hands

have never

picked a flower

gripped an ice cream cone

opened a book

examined a seashell

tossed a ball

twirled your hair

pointed across the way

kept a beat

wiped a tear

painted wildly

clapped in delight

written a letter

captured a bug

maneuvered a wheel

put on a dress

helped you shout

splashed in the lake

squeezed a teddy

turned on a light

rolled out some dough

petted a kitten

dropped something

reached for a hug

but

they hold mine tightly, for now.

Happy 2 Months, lady Julia! Mama loves you so.

What do you do?

Happy [snowy] Tuesday, friends! For those of you who don't know, I have spent this year (since our move back to Greenville) doing a few different things. I substitute teach, I nanny a 14 month old boy, and volunteer a tiny bit. I must say that, at times, life seems so in-between.

No, I wont lie to you and say that it's been easy breezy. At times, there's this huge cloud hovering over my head that cracks a thundering whip of guilt for not having a seamless "career." It's become the culture we live in for everyone to  stay busy and work all the time.

Be honest: How many times are you out and get the question, "So, what do you do?" I know I have asked it and had it asked of me countless times. It's like that's the defining element of a person but is it fair? I went back to school to get my teaching license for the past two years for a reason. I want to teach and have a career. I want a definitive schedule and a "plan." I want to be able to answer that question with: "I teach." I just can't right now. [Just to be clear, I know that all the things I do right now are real jobs and real work with real pay but I didn't go to school or back to school for what I am currently doing.]

Here's the BIG but: I have realized that this time is such a gift. It's a little quieter, less stressful, and, for once, I am less anxious and calm(er). This IS God's plan for me right now. This is where He wants me. He is providing for me/us in so many wonderful ways and I am grateful. I am trying to sleep more, read a little and do things I love. I even feel like a better wife, friend, daughter, etc.

I am finally understanding what it's like to breathe and give myself grace. It's ok that some days my schedule is blank or that my To Dos are fewer. After all, the past couple of years have been a wild ride; the engine has slowed and I guess I am up for an oil change (to stick with the metaphor). For anyone out there who's in a similar stage, enjoy it! You and I both know it wont last. Life changes all the time. Stillness is good. Days off are great.

Now, tell me, what is it that you do? 

How did that make you feel? Do you like to be defined by your job? Does that question ever offend any of you? What alternative question should we ask? Are you too busy these days? [These are as rhetorical as you wish them to be. Comment below if you want!]

Give yourself grace starting today no matter what season you're in. Thankfully, we don't have to answer to anyone but Him. :)

Love,

Lauren

Big, Scary Dream.

It's still technically a new year and I have very high hopes for 2015. Now that I have gotten all my coursework out of the way and my full teaching license is FINALLY processing....my mind can't help but wander to my next venture (aside from actually getting a new teaching job).

Believe it or not...I thought for two seconds about going back to school but a.) my husband and family would most definitely think I'd lost it and b.) stress. too much stress. Although, I think I've figured out that I secretly like stress and I really like to learn. I know, nerd alert! So, what, you ask, is up next? Truthfully, I have no idea. Remember, I'm trying not to resolve this year.

I do, however, have a BIG. SCARY. DREAM. This is actually terrifying to admit and it most likely will not happen in 2015. It may never happen. It frustrates me just as much as it excites me. If I tell you, that means it's out there in the open. People will know. You might even encourage me or hold me accountable....yikes. I seriously have butterflies as I type.

Ok, here it goes:

I want to be published one day. This is a dream that hasn't gone away. It's been written on my heart for years and only the closest people in my life have known about this desire. I mean, I feel a bit silly thinking about it sometimes. I haven't written tons (other than in journals since I was in third grade). I am not an English major. I don't have a Masters or a PhD. Besides, I don't know any publishers personally and really don't even know how to begin. I tell myself all the time, "I'm not credible" and simply, "I can't."

But here's the thing: sometimes I walk through my days and think of life in terms of poetry or children's literature. When something horrible happens, I want to write. When something spectacular happens, I want to write. Sometimes I actually do it and sometimes those thoughts just get lost in the dark, scary crevices of my brain [...eww].

In the classroom, my favorite subject to teach is Language Arts. The best aspect of teaching is to read books and poetry aloud to children. I love to watch their little minds escape and inspire them to imagine. [Imagining seems to be a dying art.] I want to be one of the creators of characters and the worlds they live in. Most of all, I want to encourage children to write. By writing stories myself, wouldn't I be more likely to have that kind of clout?

My dream has a Part 2: After I get published, I'd love to travel to schools and read to students or share my learning program with other teachers. I realize I am dreaming but I am okay with that. It doesn't hurt to dream. Isn't that what I just said I wanted to teach my students? I want to teach them to imagine and to imagine is to dream.

I would really love to know your dreams. What is it that truly terrifies you but continues to nag you most every day? What idea begs to be realized in your lifetime? Please share in your own blog and leave the link below or send me a personal message and I'll post it on mine. Share it with me over coffee. I'd love to encourage you. If it helps, I actually feel some kind of relief after sharing.



Lauren

Not to resolve.

Resolution
definition: a firm decision to do or not to do something

Resolve
definition: decide firmly on a course of action


In 2015, my resolution is not to resolve. You may simply take this to mean I am just not going to have a resolution. You might see it as a cop-out. A goal-less decision for a bright new year. But I do have a resolution after all; I am going to try really hard not to resolve.

Oh how ironic that statement is. Trying really hard to make or to not make something happen is exactly what I don't want to do this year. You can probably sense the struggle. I am a Type-A perfectionist with an ENFJ Meyers Briggs personality. Trying really hard is what I do. It goes against ever fiber of my being to stop trying so hard. Stop controlling everything. Stop planning. Stop looking ahead so much.

I cannot tell you how many prayers I've prayed this year about trusting God. I have asked Him so often to lead me; I have asked him to tell me which direction to go. Somehow I feel like I always end up trying to take over. I get impatient. Maybe my 2015 mantra should be to let "Jesus Take the Wheel" (thanks, Carrie) or for a slightly less cheesy approach, "Let Go and Let God?" All I know is when I try so hard to make things happen the way I want them to God still wins every time. His plans are always better than mine. Sometimes that's really hard. It's especially hard when I have my mind set on what I wanted. What I have to remember is that there is a reason for his timing and his provision is precise and calculated. It's not. up. to. me.

So, here's what I believe might help me with my resolution: I want to focus on Him. I want to move and change as He directs me to. I want to be available and free. I want to recognize the desires of my heart as natural goals He planted there. I want to listen for his call to act and not dwell on things I cannot change. I want to be patient. And, when I inevitably fail at these things, I want the people I love to remind me of these statements.

In Virginia, Chris made me a beautiful chalkboard fashioned from part of an old door and a piece of painted plywood. The very first verse I wrote on it was:

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Now that is my mantra for 2015. What's yours?

Lauren

New Year, New Look

Happy New Year, dear friends! I have been wanting to write an update for a while; holidays have a funny way of keeping us busy. In addition to all the festivities we have been working on some house updates. I am excited to officially reveal the final look to you today!

We have LOVED our new house and didn't have to change much upon move-in as it was built seven years ago. This house has a different feel entirely from our VA house (built in 1929). The two houses are opposite from one another in appearance yet they both felt/feel like home. Like my dad always says, "A house feels like a home after you spend a holiday in it." He's so right.

So, flashback to September. We painted almost every room the week before we moved in. It was amazing how different colors changed the whole feel of the house. We went with grays and blue/green hues. Some of my favorites include Mindful Gray (most of the house) Silvermist (kitchen/master bath),and Anew Gray (master bedroom) by Sherwin Williams.

I didn't start this post to talk about paint colors (although I do have an affinity for that sorta thing nowadays). I got off on a bit of a tangent. The REAL reason I am posting is to tell you about our addition/changes to the living room. When we bought the house there were two large recessed spaces on either side of the fireplace. It was pretty obvious that built-ins were meant to be there. Chris and I set out on a mission to make this happen but we knew we would need to phone a friend (or two) to help. Greg, Chris' uncle, makes beautiful furniture and can really do anything he sets his mind to. He has a shop in his basement with some seriously impressive equipment to cut, level, plane, saw, nail, patch, and design wooden furniture. We gave him a call to see if he would build the custom pieces for us. And he said yes! We had not a clue what we were asking this man to do. I have to say, for the record, that we are incredibly grateful to him and aunt Pam for all the hours of hard work and love they put into making these massive, custom pieces for us. I also have to give a huge shout out to Jeff and Chris for all their hard work. I even now know how to use a water saw. Talk about feeling like you've arrived.

After getting a yes from Greg, we had to decide on the details. I had a picture from Ballard Designs magazine which served as the inspiration for the project. Visualize arches at the top, with wide, vertical bead board, dark counter tops, and changeable shelving. All of these elements came to fruition in the final design!

In addition to the built-ins, Chris and Jeff transformed the fireplace. They removed the creamy/yellowy marble framed out in white and up went the new stacked quartz/stone with a travertine hearth and a thick, rustic piece of walnut for the mantel. I make it sound like magic but this stuff is hard work.

Enough talk. I give you before and afters.

It's a little blurry but you can see the recessed spaces and the fireplace before the updates.

After. Ta da! (You have to look closely to see the vertical bead board backing the shelves.)

 It was fun to style the shelves and add these knobs to the cabinet doors for the finishing touches. I'd love to hear about some of your favorite design blogs or house projects! Feel free to comment below. There you have it. New year. New look. I like newness.

Happy 2015,

Lauren

Roanoke Top Ten

If Greenville, SC and Asheville, NC had a baby, they would name him Roanoke. I can't call it "our town" too much longer but humor me... "Our town" has the smaller metropolitan flair like Greenville but the mountainous and hippy/granola feel of Asheville. It's a perfect combination, really.

I already mentioned that our friends are pretty amazing here and they are definitely our favorite thing but there are a few honorable mentions worth writing home about. Chris and I have had a very hard time narrowing this list of Roanoke favorites but here's what we came up with:

Roanoke Top 10 Favorites

1. Christ Our Redeemer church - A modest, truth-filled, and personable place to worship with some of the most genuine people we've ever met.

2. Mountain views - Everywhere you drive in Roanoke, you feel encapsulated by mountains (one of which has an awesome erector set-like star on top; hence the nickname, "Star City.") The fall is especially gorgeous here and, well, fall's my favorite.

3. Grandin Village - Within walking distance from our house, this tiny downtown houses great restaurants (see #9), ice cream/coffee shops, retail stores, a Co-op, local market on Saturday mornings, and a movie theater, "The Grandin" built in 1932. If you go about a mile down the road from Grandin Village, you will be at Black Dog Salvage featured on DIY Network's Salvage Dawgs.

4. Mount Vernon Rd. (Raleigh Court) - Our street, simply put, is the best. Everyone is always outside in the warm months on front porches ready for good conversation. We were taught early on about "Flamingo Parties" where you just stick a pink flamingo in your yard and everyone on the block shows up with a chair and a few drinks to enjoy - instant party! And in one word I have to add: location, location, location.

5. Kroger - This sounds ridiculous but we LOVE Kroger. This isn't just any grocery store. There are a few in the area that have an extra special reputation. One of them has been deemed "Beer Kroger" and the other, "Wine Kroger" for exceptional selections of fine beverages. 

6. Hiking - Roanoke is the perfect spot to become one with the great outdoors. We have hiked McAfee Knob, Dragon's Tooth, Cascade Falls, and Bottom Creek Gorge (some even multiple times). It helps that two of the hikes are right near great restaurants so you have even more to look forward to when you're done. Cascade Falls is near Blacksburg/ VA Tech - Cabo Fish Taco is great! McAfee Knob is near The Homeplace: an old farmhouse-turned-restaurant situated on gorgeous pastures -- family-style country cooking at its finest! All of this has been an awesome way to entertain visitors and explore new views of the valley.

7. Local Brews - This area has awesome breweries and wineries. I have learned so much more about beer living here. My favorites are Devil's Backbone, Vienna Lager and Wild Wolf, Blonde Honey. I'd highly recommend taking a tour.

8. Downtown Roanoke - There are awesome places to eat, shop (La De Da, Chocolate Paper, the market, etc.) and stay (Hotel Roanoke!). Don't let the quaint, small-town feel fool you...it's packed with greatness.

9. Restaurants - Blue Apron (in Salem): This is our favorite fine dining experience in the area. Reservations are necessary in this beautifully intimate restaurant with exposed brick walls and a Charlestonian personality. In Grandin Village go to Jimmy Sardines pizza (especially on Buy 1 Get 1 Thursdays) and 1906 Ale House for scallops and burgers . Downtown we frequented Jack Browns, Alejandro's, Billy's, and Wasabi. We must also mention El Rodeo for Friday night margaritas with friends!

10. Our House - Built in 1929, our four square home has a ton of character. Everything from glass door knobs, original gum wood molding and doors, radiators, space where an old telephone booth used to be, original tub and knobs, and a kitchen nook all tell a story. The outside is even better. The welcoming brick archway leads into a massive front porch with a swing. We spend so much time on the porch. I can never get enough of the view of our mature weeping cherry and maples, colorful flowers in the planters, and frequent "hellos" from neighbors. The backyard has a small screened porch and an amazing array of perennials. In the first year, the flowers gave us a seasonal surprise party. We also have a "secret garden" behind the detached garage that we have lovingly deemed "the barn." To the people who lived in the house before us: thank you for working so hard in this yard; we've thoroughly enjoyed it!

So, that's it! A Roanoke Top 10 list. If you haven't visited before, I hope this is inspiration enough for you to come visit. I just have to get used to the idea of being a visitor myself...


Until Next Time,

Lauren

Common Lives of Grace

We have eleven days until our time in Roanoke officially expires. I have only very recently let my mind drift to that inevitability. I have discovered that leaving is going to be really hard and in the words of a good friend, "I don't like it. I don't like it one bit."

As we converse with people about the move (especially people on the other side of the move in Greenville), I think there's this assumption that we just got settled here. Typically remarks go something like... "Oh, you're probably just getting settled after two years and now you have to move!" But, honestly, that's just not the case.

The decision to move here 2 years ago was made within 48 hours as there was a threat looming of a hiring freeze at GE. We came up to Roanoke on a rapid weekend trip for the very first time and had to make a decision by Sunday. After a lot of ups, downs, backs and forths and plenty of uncertainty, we decided to make the move. We decided to just do it: pick up and move 4+ hours from everything we've known. Looking back, I know we were led.

Everything has been like that here: decisions and paths that have led us to plant fast-growing roots.Our jobs, our house/neighborhood, our church membership, and our friendships.

In all of these decisions, God has been growing us. He has shown us amazing things here. As we joined the church (one of the many decisions we made that led to those fast, deep roots), this was the verse I chose to share with the congregation. It has been representative of our recent struggles and I have a feeling it will always be a great compass in Truth.

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

We have struggled in trust but in that struggle, we have learned more of what it really is. God put all of these decisions before us so that we could lean on Him. Trust Him. I have no doubt that He has led and directed our path here so that we could discover these people and grasp more of what His Church looks like. One of the greatest things is that I have been given a definition of what Church is and I have witnessed it. The Church isn't just a place or a building you personally attend on a Sunday but it is the full body of believers working for the glory of the Lord. In my experience, Roanoke has a mighty Church.

We have gained an incredible community of friends here who happen to be part of that Church. People who sit down with you and want to know your whole story. People who want to know about your walk with Christ and hold you accountable. People who love you unconditionally. People who will meet you on a week night for a game of tennis or ride bikes to a local pizza shop. People who plan road trips with you and want to continue to do that for years to come. People who will provide you meals during difficult times and show up at your door to hug you on hard days. People who will cry with you. People who will encourage you in your career. People who will have coffee (or wine) with you on the porch. People who offer to watch your dogs and house while you are away. People who have moved away themselves and still call to ask how you're doing. People who know your struggles, your passions, and your joys. People who have promised their friendship doesn't end on August 22nd.

Intentionality is a word I have heard that describes this type of friendship and I love it. It is so real and so full of love. It is inspired and driven. It is the way God intends for us to be with one another. To be clear, I am writing this as a tribute to the last two years but have also recognized that other rare and golden friendships in my life have had this same quality. They have been highlighted and appreciated through my growth here. I confess that I have learned to be more intentional with friendship and I hope I don't stop. And, please, hold me to that!

In the benediction each week at church, the last part of the prayer spoken by the people goes something like this:

"Sustain us in this labor of love, inspire us with works of faith, and knit us together in our common lives of grace. Do perfectly good things through our imperfect lives in the coming week through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen."

Common lives of grace: Common people. Sinful people. People who have been given a gift they don't deserve. I just adore the simply-stated complexity, depth, and nature of that phrase. It is the epitome of my experience here; I feel woven, knit together. Everyday, common people that are knit together by grace with so much to share with one another and the world. We do, in fact, lead common lives but have been given such a miraculous Gift. Maybe God brought us here for us to know more about how to pass it on.

On the Move

 We're headed farther down south and will be residents once again 

in our hometown, Greenville, SC, this August!!!

Follow us on our journey back home via my blog, Remaining Anonymous.

Falls Park, Greenville

 

Love,

Lauren

Eyes Open

I am back, everyone! Inconsistency doesn't accurately describe my blogging habit at all--it's definitely more like a hiatus. Let me sum up my excuse: A year ago I wasn't even in school to teach and now I am teaching Kindergarten. It has been a whirlwind to say the least. A really wonderful, stressful, lean-on-the-Lord kind of whirlwind. I am not saying it's going to get any better, at least for a while.

That said, I feel incredibly happy to be where I am in my life. I am counting these blessings and wanted to share one of the highlights with you. A few weeks ago, my discipleship group at church threw a baby shower for an 18 year old Nepali refugee. That experience was extremely eye-opening. I am taking more education classes this semester and one of our assignments is to write three poems; I wrote one of them about this experience. I thought I would share it with you:

Refugee Baby Shower

She had a name I couldn’t pronounce as we were introduced.

I knew nothing of her before that day; I was wrapped up in my own freedoms.

She came here by plane with her husband just two weeks prior.

He carried the single bag they shared.

She carried a miracle inside.

She had had no physician care until that very day.

Her young eyes were tired, her body frail.

The miracle remained.

The games we played involved no words.

She smiled for the first time in months.

We taught her how to diaper and how to bathe.

“This small bath is better than a shower floor.”

We gave her the first gifts she had ever received.

She unwrapped them, stone-faced.

She carefully wrapped them back up in tissue, preserving the newness.

Her translated thank-you engulfed me.

I was changed.

She named the miracle “Grace.”

Love,

L.W.

2 for 1 Holiday Special

Two holidays have passed and I have not written. I guess it's good news that we have found ourselves that busy.

Princess and t

This Fall was jam-packed with trips back to Greenville/Clemson to support our Tigers and spent time with our families. This Halloween was particularly exciting for us as we got to spend it in our new house. Since our first year together, Chris and I have hosted a costume party. Since this year made it the 6th annual party, we basically had no choice but to keep it going --despite the move. Normally, we have it at my Grandmama's house on Lake Keowee the Saturday before Halloween but, seeing as we are now in VA, it made much more sense to break in our new place and invite new friends to come. We had a great night and it pretty much doubled as a house warming party as none of our new friends had come over before.

If there's one thing I get a huge kick out of it's hosting/planning an event. We had a chili bar, cupcakes, spiked apple cider, cheese ball with crackers and apples, and candy (of course!). There's always a vote taken for best costume and, this year, there was a three-way tie. To narrow it down, we had a dance-off to "Thriller" in the backyard which led to another tie breaker--rock, paper, scissors. Our lucky winner was a Erin, a new friend from church, who dressed in a footy-pajama zebra costume.

3rd Place: Jenna & Matt as "Mama" & Honey Boo Boo

2nd & First Place- Jenna as Cheetah & Erin as Zebra

Halloween didn't stop there--Oh, no...there's more! Our street has a block party (pre-trick-or-treating) each year and we got to join in on the fun! All of us enjoyed chili, beer and other delicious fall goodies. Mid-party, all the kids were dressed up and ready to take to the streets.Chris and I walked home (across the street) and gave out candy to the masses! We actually had a more than 4 trick-or-treaters this year and loved every second of it. Our neighbors are so awesome that (mid-trick-or-treating) they invited us over to grab some freshly brewed Fresh Market pumpkin-spiced [decaf] coffee. I can't tell you how much I adore the open-door policy around these parts! In case you didn't know by now, I absolutely love Halloween. How can you not?! What a fun/cozy time of year.

Skipping WAY ahead....

Then there was Thanksgiving. It was, indeed, a whirlwind. A fun whirlwind, but a whirlwind nevertheless. I would be lying if I told you all this traveling back and forth to Greenville is easy...it's downright exhausting at times when you're not used to it! This was how it all went down: We departed Roanoke for G'ville on Wednesday (which was a half-day from school) and arrived in time to drop off the dogs at my parent's house. From there we headed over to my Aunt Gayle & Uncle Gene's house for the Morgan Thanksgiving dinner. Afterwards, we went back to get the dogs and drove to Debbie/Jeff's house to stay the night. On Thanksgiving Day all of us watched the parade and dog show then engaged in a delicious Thanksgiving lunch with Chris' parents, sister, Grandmommy and Pop Pop. Shortly after feast #1, we set out on another journey to the lake house for my family's Thanksgiving dinner (taking separate cars). YUM!

Our little family :)

Just us

Us with Grandmommy & Pop Pop

Us, Katie, and Stella

Debbie & Jeff

 On Friday morning, Chris left very early to drive back to G'ville for a round of golf with Pop Pop, Jeff, and his cousin, Blake. I, on the other hand, as tradition goes, took off to Highlands, NC for a day of shopping with my mom, Grandmama, Shirley Ann, and my uncle, Brent. We got back around dinnertime and it was time for me to revisit freshman year of college. You read correctly--my sister let me stay in Clemson with her! Yes, this DOES mean that I stayed in Manning, met SA's hallmates, used the communal bathroom, wore shower shoes, had plenty of girl talk, and got ready for game day on campus. It was really pretty awesome. How many 26 year olds get to relive freshman year?

As far as game day is concerned, well, there's not a lot of good to report about the outcome. However, tailgating was fun, as it always is! After the game, we made it through the flood of Tiger and Gamecock fans back to the lake house. Chris went back with his parents to G'ville so it was just me, mom and dad up at the lake for the night--what a rarity! Sunday, I drove back to G'ville to get Chris and our pups only to discover that both Chris' and Jeff's golf clubs had been stolen at some point that weekend. After the Clemson loss AND golf club hijacking let's just say Chris was not a happy camper. :( We did stop by my mom and dad's for one last helping of turkey leftovers before making the trek back up to the Valley.

Wheewwww! It tires me out just typing all of that. All in all, though, I really must say that we abundantly blessed and extremely thankful. We took part in SIX different Thanksgiving meals between our new church community and families back home. God has really taken care of us and guided us through this whole life change. We have a roof over our heads, we eat [well] daily, have two awesome families by our sides, two sweet pups, two wonderful jobs, and each other. To that I have to just say, "Hallelujah!"

Love,

A Travelin' Fool