"It's a beautiful
day outside!" Julia remarked from the backseat as gray skies prevailed and
rain drenched the streets. We were on our way to the library after painting
pottery together on a rare mother/daughter date (sans baby). Whether she was
being sarcastic or totally serious with her statement, I am still not
completely sure. Regardless, it made me think deeper into her little mind. To
her, maybe rainy days are pretty. She hasn't necessarily been
around long enough to be swayed by popular opinions about the weather and how
it is supposed to affect us. Come to think of it, she doesn't
even know how to be sarcastic yet.
Over the last month or
so (since bringing home her baby sister, Ilaria), we've had our struggles.
Actually, I have to admit that my weepy moments in the first weeks were not due
to the newborn, but because of the strained relationship with my toddler. I
could just look at her and tears would fill my eyes. Julia had been our whole
world for 2 years and 8 months. For the first time in her life, I wasn't seeing
her consistently. I couldn't follow our routines or physically keep up. I
wasn't allowed drive her anywhere, much less lift or carry her. It was really
hard and I found myself missing her, even if she was in the same room.
After those weepy,
beginning weeks it hasn't gotten much easier. She's been testing us - mainly me
-with extreme spurts of defiance. She won't listen and doesn't comply a lot of
the time. She argues. She refuses to eat dinner. She lays down on the floor in
tantrum mode. The picture above shows her sprawled out, after a time out, still
refusing to put away those letters and fast asleep from all the energy released
in her little struggle. She has become a really solid 2 year old - the kind you
always hear about but refuse to believe you'll actually inherit. We've
"parented" until our options have run dry. It's tough
sometimes.
When I really sit on
that statement she made about the weather, though, I realize her little mind is
clearer. It's less swamped, less complicated, and knows so much less. Her mind
is new, fresh, and impressionable. In a just few weeks time, she's been taken
out of her typical routine and moved over (partially) out of the spotlight. Her
mama has been, well, tired, less available, and short-fused. She's been forced
to welcome a teeny stranger into her home and witness large amounts of crying
and blow-out poopy diapers. I have had to conclude that she probably, and very
simply, just wants to feel the old, familiar love. She is craving it. One afternoon,
in fact, she wouldn't stop crying and she whined, "Mama, hold me. Mama
kiss me." My heart broke right there and it still didn't feel like there
were enough pieces of it to go around. In this same moment, imagine me
stationed in place, feeding the baby, with the toddler crying and the Yorkie
barking to be let outside. She just wants to be listened to,
hugged, read to, and played with. She also very likely believes that every day
is beautiful outside.
All this innocence is
truly beautiful. In these tough days where growing hurts and transitions are
painful, I have to remind myself to treasure it all. In comparison to my
itty-bitty
nine pound,
five-week-old infant, Julia seems so big. She's getting bigger every single
day. That's just what happens and you cannot stop it. On a short family walk
after dinner, she said, "I'm teachin' you how to be parents. I do
that." I giggled, "Julia, where did you hear that?" and it
quickly dawned on me, as she often does, that she was directly quoting one of
her books, You Were the First. It is such a sweet story about the
important role a first child has in the life of a family. We had to chuckle at
how timely and how funny it was that she chose to say this part of the story
aloud. She is teaching us how to be parents. We are learning
as she learns. We get to love her and continue to shape her mind, but we need a
lot of grace through the process. What an amazing (yet ridiculously
challenging) gift.
God teaches us that His
compassions never fail because of a Great Love. We are made in His image and so
have this fiery love for our own children. He also reminds us that His mercies
are renewed each day. Therefore, we continue in faith, no matter what each day
brings. So yes, I guess it is even possible for us to help Julia to continue to
admire the rain as we weather these new, proverbial storms. After all, rain
does indeed help things to become green and flourish.
Because of the Lord's
great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every
morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23
