Forever Mine

Dear Sweet Julia,

After I put you in new, one size-up pajamas after your big girl bath time and rocked you to bed, I have to write this to you. We had a wonderful day; you have become quite my little sidekick: We walked almost five miles on the Swamp Rabbit with new mama and baby friends. We took the dogs to the vet for their check-up. I gave you cantaloupe, green beans and even a bite of ham with your pureed, squash dinner. We blew bubbles on the bench in the backyard and you giggled and belly laughed at them. What a wonder you are, Julia. What joy you bring to me and us, my littlest love.

You see, as I was rocking you, I sang a variety of songs like I try to do on most nights. I sang "Amazing Grace" last but added in the "My Chains are Gone" verses on repeat. Something just struck a chord with me during that quiet time. The lyrics were a great reminder that I have been saved from the darkness and toils of this world. I am found in Christ. I pray that you will know this truth and hold it in your heart so that you can show grace, love, and mercy to everyone. Our world needs those things so desperately.

I also realized, in the last line, "You'll be forever Mine...You are forever Mine" I want/wish to apply those verses to my relationship with YOU but I can't. I love you so much my heart could burst. I love you so much that tears fill my eyes just thinking about how much I love you and how much I want to protect you. But, you are a gift entrusted to me from our Father. Our time on this earth is fleeting and fast; it isn't forever. (Unfortunately that whole "put a brick on your head" doesn't actually stop you from growing up too quickly.) I just thought you would stay a baby so much longer. And it hit me..."you are forever Mine" is a lyric that reveals a gleam in words of His love for us -- His children. As I rocked and felt totally at peace and content holding you, looking at your sleeping eyes and your tiny hands resting on me, I felt God's love. He sees the best in us. He loves us so much. We are His children forever. What a beautiful thing. I cannot imagine if I love you as much as I do just how much He loves us. I cannot imagine how much He wants for us to love Him back and to have a relationship with Him.

One day, I hope you get to be a mama. It is SUCH a glorious gift no matter how it comes to be. He lets a mother's love be that great to give us a glimpse of the love He has for us. I believe He also gives us children to show us how He views us: unblemished, unique, full of potential, and in constant need of grace, guidance, and protection.

I love you, Julia. He loves you more. He chose us to be yours. We'll be forever His. You'll be forever His.

Love,

Your Mama

Strong For Her Tasks - a letter to Julia

My Sweet Julia,

Today is my last day of maternity leave with you. I have been dreading this day since before you were even born. To be honest, I never could really imagine myself as a "working mom" but God has a different plan.

I have adored caring for you each and every day, uninterrupted. You have somehow had a way of slowing me down but speeding my life up drastically - it's the strange time continuum of having a new baby and becoming a new mama. How has it been 10 weeks? I love each moment - the smiles and the cries, dressing you up and hanging up your laundry to dry, rocking you to bed and being greeted each morning by your sweet, rested eyes, breast feeding and pumping. I love putting little hats on you and tucking you in a warm blanket before we leave the house. I love crafting new headbands for your tiny head. I loved holding you and calming you down after first doctor visits. I loved that first time I took you to the Fresh Market and nearly knocked everyone down in our path with bucket seat in one arm and the grocery basket in the other. I loved introducing you to everyone and having friends and family in and out constantly. I still clearly remember the first time I was sure you really saw me for the first time. I loved blocking the rest of my world out to focus on you.

I want you to know, though, that I am going to work for a reason. I am going to help provide for our family. I am going to teach twenty children how to read and give them a safe, fun, and nurturing place to learn. I am on a mission while I am not with you. You, my child, have a mission too. You get to know and spend time with your Mams, Dee Dee, and your Daddy. God has given you this very special time to get to bond with your grandmothers and your Daddy. As much as I am going to miss you each day and look back on this time with much nostalgia and fondness, I am also going to be grateful. We have been given MANY blessings.

Your Daddy reminded me, as I was in tears about this time of transition, that I have to choose to be positive. He's so right. You will have hard times in your life and you really do have to choose to be positive. My mind was flooding with all the seemingly impossible tasks. How can I be a great teacher and leave at or before 4pm? How will the house stay clean? How will I continue to breastfeed and pump for you? How will I get ready and out the door each morning? How will I have time to cook and enjoy our family in the evenings?  He reminds me that I am a strong woman. God reminds me that I am a strong woman and that women are made to be pretty darn incredible creatures (see Proverbs 31:10-31).

I am sure that in a few weeks, it will still be challenging. I will still miss you and wonder what you are doing when I am not around. But, the coolest thing, Julia, is that I will always be your mama. No one will ever replace me. Our bond is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am so in awe of you and pinch myself every day to make sure you aren't a dream. You really are such a miracle. Please know, little one, that I love you so very much. Today may be my last day of this very special time called maternity leave but it's still just at the start of this awesome journey as your mama.

Love,

 Your Mommy

For Now

For Now

your hands

have never

picked a flower

gripped an ice cream cone

opened a book

examined a seashell

tossed a ball

twirled your hair

pointed across the way

kept a beat

wiped a tear

painted wildly

clapped in delight

written a letter

captured a bug

maneuvered a wheel

put on a dress

helped you shout

splashed in the lake

squeezed a teddy

turned on a light

rolled out some dough

petted a kitten

dropped something

reached for a hug

but

they hold mine tightly, for now.

Happy 2 Months, lady Julia! Mama loves you so.

What do you do?

Happy [snowy] Tuesday, friends! For those of you who don't know, I have spent this year (since our move back to Greenville) doing a few different things. I substitute teach, I nanny a 14 month old boy, and volunteer a tiny bit. I must say that, at times, life seems so in-between.

No, I wont lie to you and say that it's been easy breezy. At times, there's this huge cloud hovering over my head that cracks a thundering whip of guilt for not having a seamless "career." It's become the culture we live in for everyone to  stay busy and work all the time.

Be honest: How many times are you out and get the question, "So, what do you do?" I know I have asked it and had it asked of me countless times. It's like that's the defining element of a person but is it fair? I went back to school to get my teaching license for the past two years for a reason. I want to teach and have a career. I want a definitive schedule and a "plan." I want to be able to answer that question with: "I teach." I just can't right now. [Just to be clear, I know that all the things I do right now are real jobs and real work with real pay but I didn't go to school or back to school for what I am currently doing.]

Here's the BIG but: I have realized that this time is such a gift. It's a little quieter, less stressful, and, for once, I am less anxious and calm(er). This IS God's plan for me right now. This is where He wants me. He is providing for me/us in so many wonderful ways and I am grateful. I am trying to sleep more, read a little and do things I love. I even feel like a better wife, friend, daughter, etc.

I am finally understanding what it's like to breathe and give myself grace. It's ok that some days my schedule is blank or that my To Dos are fewer. After all, the past couple of years have been a wild ride; the engine has slowed and I guess I am up for an oil change (to stick with the metaphor). For anyone out there who's in a similar stage, enjoy it! You and I both know it wont last. Life changes all the time. Stillness is good. Days off are great.

Now, tell me, what is it that you do? 

How did that make you feel? Do you like to be defined by your job? Does that question ever offend any of you? What alternative question should we ask? Are you too busy these days? [These are as rhetorical as you wish them to be. Comment below if you want!]

Give yourself grace starting today no matter what season you're in. Thankfully, we don't have to answer to anyone but Him. :)

Love,

Lauren

Big, Scary Dream.

It's still technically a new year and I have very high hopes for 2015. Now that I have gotten all my coursework out of the way and my full teaching license is FINALLY processing....my mind can't help but wander to my next venture (aside from actually getting a new teaching job).

Believe it or not...I thought for two seconds about going back to school but a.) my husband and family would most definitely think I'd lost it and b.) stress. too much stress. Although, I think I've figured out that I secretly like stress and I really like to learn. I know, nerd alert! So, what, you ask, is up next? Truthfully, I have no idea. Remember, I'm trying not to resolve this year.

I do, however, have a BIG. SCARY. DREAM. This is actually terrifying to admit and it most likely will not happen in 2015. It may never happen. It frustrates me just as much as it excites me. If I tell you, that means it's out there in the open. People will know. You might even encourage me or hold me accountable....yikes. I seriously have butterflies as I type.

Ok, here it goes:

I want to be published one day. This is a dream that hasn't gone away. It's been written on my heart for years and only the closest people in my life have known about this desire. I mean, I feel a bit silly thinking about it sometimes. I haven't written tons (other than in journals since I was in third grade). I am not an English major. I don't have a Masters or a PhD. Besides, I don't know any publishers personally and really don't even know how to begin. I tell myself all the time, "I'm not credible" and simply, "I can't."

But here's the thing: sometimes I walk through my days and think of life in terms of poetry or children's literature. When something horrible happens, I want to write. When something spectacular happens, I want to write. Sometimes I actually do it and sometimes those thoughts just get lost in the dark, scary crevices of my brain [...eww].

In the classroom, my favorite subject to teach is Language Arts. The best aspect of teaching is to read books and poetry aloud to children. I love to watch their little minds escape and inspire them to imagine. [Imagining seems to be a dying art.] I want to be one of the creators of characters and the worlds they live in. Most of all, I want to encourage children to write. By writing stories myself, wouldn't I be more likely to have that kind of clout?

My dream has a Part 2: After I get published, I'd love to travel to schools and read to students or share my learning program with other teachers. I realize I am dreaming but I am okay with that. It doesn't hurt to dream. Isn't that what I just said I wanted to teach my students? I want to teach them to imagine and to imagine is to dream.

I would really love to know your dreams. What is it that truly terrifies you but continues to nag you most every day? What idea begs to be realized in your lifetime? Please share in your own blog and leave the link below or send me a personal message and I'll post it on mine. Share it with me over coffee. I'd love to encourage you. If it helps, I actually feel some kind of relief after sharing.



Lauren

Not to resolve.

Resolution
definition: a firm decision to do or not to do something

Resolve
definition: decide firmly on a course of action


In 2015, my resolution is not to resolve. You may simply take this to mean I am just not going to have a resolution. You might see it as a cop-out. A goal-less decision for a bright new year. But I do have a resolution after all; I am going to try really hard not to resolve.

Oh how ironic that statement is. Trying really hard to make or to not make something happen is exactly what I don't want to do this year. You can probably sense the struggle. I am a Type-A perfectionist with an ENFJ Meyers Briggs personality. Trying really hard is what I do. It goes against ever fiber of my being to stop trying so hard. Stop controlling everything. Stop planning. Stop looking ahead so much.

I cannot tell you how many prayers I've prayed this year about trusting God. I have asked Him so often to lead me; I have asked him to tell me which direction to go. Somehow I feel like I always end up trying to take over. I get impatient. Maybe my 2015 mantra should be to let "Jesus Take the Wheel" (thanks, Carrie) or for a slightly less cheesy approach, "Let Go and Let God?" All I know is when I try so hard to make things happen the way I want them to God still wins every time. His plans are always better than mine. Sometimes that's really hard. It's especially hard when I have my mind set on what I wanted. What I have to remember is that there is a reason for his timing and his provision is precise and calculated. It's not. up. to. me.

So, here's what I believe might help me with my resolution: I want to focus on Him. I want to move and change as He directs me to. I want to be available and free. I want to recognize the desires of my heart as natural goals He planted there. I want to listen for his call to act and not dwell on things I cannot change. I want to be patient. And, when I inevitably fail at these things, I want the people I love to remind me of these statements.

In Virginia, Chris made me a beautiful chalkboard fashioned from part of an old door and a piece of painted plywood. The very first verse I wrote on it was:

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Now that is my mantra for 2015. What's yours?

Lauren

New Year, New Look

Happy New Year, dear friends! I have been wanting to write an update for a while; holidays have a funny way of keeping us busy. In addition to all the festivities we have been working on some house updates. I am excited to officially reveal the final look to you today!

We have LOVED our new house and didn't have to change much upon move-in as it was built seven years ago. This house has a different feel entirely from our VA house (built in 1929). The two houses are opposite from one another in appearance yet they both felt/feel like home. Like my dad always says, "A house feels like a home after you spend a holiday in it." He's so right.

So, flashback to September. We painted almost every room the week before we moved in. It was amazing how different colors changed the whole feel of the house. We went with grays and blue/green hues. Some of my favorites include Mindful Gray (most of the house) Silvermist (kitchen/master bath),and Anew Gray (master bedroom) by Sherwin Williams.

I didn't start this post to talk about paint colors (although I do have an affinity for that sorta thing nowadays). I got off on a bit of a tangent. The REAL reason I am posting is to tell you about our addition/changes to the living room. When we bought the house there were two large recessed spaces on either side of the fireplace. It was pretty obvious that built-ins were meant to be there. Chris and I set out on a mission to make this happen but we knew we would need to phone a friend (or two) to help. Greg, Chris' uncle, makes beautiful furniture and can really do anything he sets his mind to. He has a shop in his basement with some seriously impressive equipment to cut, level, plane, saw, nail, patch, and design wooden furniture. We gave him a call to see if he would build the custom pieces for us. And he said yes! We had not a clue what we were asking this man to do. I have to say, for the record, that we are incredibly grateful to him and aunt Pam for all the hours of hard work and love they put into making these massive, custom pieces for us. I also have to give a huge shout out to Jeff and Chris for all their hard work. I even now know how to use a water saw. Talk about feeling like you've arrived.

After getting a yes from Greg, we had to decide on the details. I had a picture from Ballard Designs magazine which served as the inspiration for the project. Visualize arches at the top, with wide, vertical bead board, dark counter tops, and changeable shelving. All of these elements came to fruition in the final design!

In addition to the built-ins, Chris and Jeff transformed the fireplace. They removed the creamy/yellowy marble framed out in white and up went the new stacked quartz/stone with a travertine hearth and a thick, rustic piece of walnut for the mantel. I make it sound like magic but this stuff is hard work.

Enough talk. I give you before and afters.

It's a little blurry but you can see the recessed spaces and the fireplace before the updates.

After. Ta da! (You have to look closely to see the vertical bead board backing the shelves.)

 It was fun to style the shelves and add these knobs to the cabinet doors for the finishing touches. I'd love to hear about some of your favorite design blogs or house projects! Feel free to comment below. There you have it. New year. New look. I like newness.

Happy 2015,

Lauren