The Mystery of You

It was late in my pregnancy with Julia when I found myself nesting in the aisles of Homegoods, and an older woman approached me. These words flowed from her with the kind of wisdom only grandmothers and teachers can give: "Pregnancy is the only time we get to help God perform a miracle." What a joy-packed, life-giving, and grace-filled statement that is. 

As we are two days away from knowing the sex of our new baby, it does not escape me that God has once again allowed me to help Him. I am truly soaking up the anticipation and the excitement in these last days of wonder. When Wednesday comes, we will get to know our child a little more. Part of the mystery of who this little one is in there will be shown to us. Isn't it funny that I am physically carrying this baby as he or she lives within me, yet God already knows every minute detail? Every hair. Every attribute. Every smile. Every up. Every down. All the days to come? So, while we wait in anticipation of black and white ultrasound videos and a determination of sex, God has been there and will be there creating it all.

I can't help but think He grins a little over my literal dreams each night concerning the reveal. I bet he loves that we sit debating boy or girl, making silly predictions where we have a 50% chance of being right. Whether we realize it or not, all of these antics and conversations inevitably stem from the fact that we are completely in awe of creation and the divine nature of our Creator. 

Some people choose not to find out if their baby is a boy/girl and want to wait until birth. I think that's wonderful (and frankly I wish I had it within me!) but, finding out (for me) means that the pregnancy becomes less clinical and much more personally connected. I love that we can get to know this little person already. I am ecstatic to know whether we will have a son or daughter or if Julia will gain a brother or sister. I am not ignoring the fact that Wednesday also shows us the progression of development and the physical health of our baby. I am praying big things for this little one. 

There are few times in life with good, uncontrolled surprises. As I sit and contemplate a little longer, in a few days I know I'll wish  I remembered exactly what the unknown felt like. As I have dreamed of the future, I've always wondered how many sons and daughters we'd have and what they would be like. The unknown seems to be a dim place of earthy uncertainty but an opportunity to hold onto a bright, ethereal out-stretched hand from heaven. So, today I will sit here and look down at this little  growing bump, soaking up the mystery of it all. 

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20

Enjoy the Little Things

As many of us start to gear up for a new school year or a new season, stress creeps in. As a teacher, this is especially true. Beating the crowds for school supplies, outfitting myself and the baby, realizing that my 'free time' is dwindling, beginning to lesson plan and get the classroom in top shape, etc. The list truly goes on and on (so much so that I even dream about it). I will be the first to admit that I swing on the Type A side and I am anxious over much of life. I want everything to fit into a controlled box with all that I do. Admittedly, motherhood has changed that side of me a bit. That's what I want to talk about today. Today, August 7th, as things begin to be stressful again, I want to SLOW down and focus on a few of the sweet gifts that motherhood has thrown at me. I have been tinkering with these ideas and this perception for a while.

Seasons don't slow down and seconds aren't ever extended. As I have been able to be home with Julia this summer, I have also had time to think. I have had time to scroll one too many times on Facebook as well. I am sure you've seen the negative mommy articles that tend to circulate and how people negatively portray life with children or reiterate the scary, frustrating things. Sure, there are those days where you cannot get anything done: laundry is piling up, your freshly-vacuumed floor is quickly flooded with books and toys, your list of errands is still just a list, your intentions feel like they will always be intentions. I get it. We are busy. Some days we definitely feel tired and mentally weak. Believe me, I get that too. We also live in that kind of high-expectations, ever-busy society and to top it off, you're a mom.

The thing is, motherhood can be one of the very best stress relievers. Yes, you read that right. I'll say it again. Becoming a mom can reduce stress. Hear me out for a second: When you're a mom, you are forced to stop thinking about just yourself. It can be a good distraction from the daily grind. I'd like to offer you a positive (and hopefully convincing) To Do list that provides a variety of ways to soak in just how good motherhood is for the soul. This is a list of  Motherhood "To Dos" that will actually allow you to breathe deeply, calm your being, and laugh a whole lot more.

1. WALK

 Push that stroller. Take in some fresh air and stretch your legs. Peruse the neighborhood and narrate your surroundings. You might even notice something new.

2. READ

Use silly voices. Relive your old favorites. Read the same story so many times you've memorized it. Try to recite it in your free time (character voices are optional).

3. SING

Your baby doesn't know that you can't carry a tune. Sing! Sing anywhere. Sing all the time. Turn on Disney Pandora and belt it out.

4. DANCE

While you sing, throw in some ridiculous moves. Let her copy you. Have a dance party in the kitchen before dinner.

4. CREATE

When was the last time you sat in the driveway and drew with chalk? Now's your chance. Buy some big bottles of tempera paint. Show her how to mix colors. Buy fresh crayons and construction paper (Who doesn't love a new box of crayons?). Pull out one of those orphan socks and make a puppet. You can shamelessly keep the Amazon boxes an extra week or two and make a "house" or a "rocket ship." Why not?

5. PLAY

You now have a real excuse to go down the toy aisle (as if you needed one, right?!).  All your old faithful toys that have been housed in attic boxes can make a come back. Dress up. Blow bubbles. Imagine and dream. Relive the glory days. Find that little girl you used to be.

7. GO

Explore the city around you with new eyes. Explore the museum. Sit with a stack of books on the floor at the library. Watch her run through the splash pad at the park. Skip the crowd at the new restaurant for the Early Bird Special. Strap on the carrier and take a hike. Indulge in your hometown.

6. MAKE A MESS

Play in the sandbox. Put your hands and feet in. Make play dough over the stove. Roll it into a ball and then work it into a "snake." Eat ice cream and don't worry if it drips a little down the side. Watch your child try spaghetti for the first time. Take a picture. Love the mess (or at least try)!


7. DRAW A BATH

Fill the tub with stack-able cups, squirt toys, and lots of bubbles. Take in that lavender baby bath soap smell. Seriously, SWEETEST. SMELL. EVER. It wont last forever.

8. SNUGGLE

After that warm bath, settle in with the lights off and sit in that glider. Rock and just stare at that glorious gift in your arms. Don't look at the time or your phone. Notice how she looks that day. Stay in that moment without mentally fast-forwarding. Let time be where it is. Let yourself smile.

9. PRAY

Tell the Lord how grateful you are. Pray for her future. Pray for her development and her relationships. Let her be yet another wonderful reason to pray.

10. LOVE (ON REPEAT)

As you do these things over and over, enjoy them in her different and refreshed stages. Hug her, give her forehead and cheeks sweet little kisses. Tell her you love her. Your heart will be so thankful.


Remember to enjoy the little things.

Love,

Lauren

The Itchy Halo

"Now, as we line up, think about how special it is to get to do this!" 

[The class begins walking to the sanctuary] 

"My halo itches..." complained one. 

"This crown is too tight," retorted another.

"Do we have to stand the whole time?" a third questioned.

This year has marked quite a transition in my career as an educator. Last year I taught 20 children at a Title 1 elementary school. This year I teach 13 at a private, Christian school. This year, my class just so happened to be the Nativity in the school Christmas program. It was especially remarkable for me to watch my students portray the wise men, shepherds, angels, Mary, and Joseph. I felt reflective, thankful, and tearful, even to get to hold the baby doll Jesus for my seven-year-old "Mary" as she waited to go up on stage. This year, I finally get to speak real, Christmas truths to my 2nd graders every morning in preparation for the portrayal of these roles.

As we went through dress rehearsal and I heard the quotations aforementioned above, I couldn't help but continue to think about how relevant their comments are to the story they are telling. It was easy, as their teacher, to go immediately to the place of correction. "Let's not complain! You get to have such a special opportunity this year to be the Nativity!" But, as I thought about it more and more, there was a better more teachable moment to explore. 

The day of the performance, as we had our morning devotion in the classroom, I said something like this to my students: "As we were rehearsing yesterday, I heard an awful lot of complaining. A lot of you mentioned how uncomfortable you were in your costumes and how hard it was to stand and wait for so long. I want you to think back to the day that Jesus was born. Do you think that Mary was comfortable? Having a baby in a barn probably wouldn't have been too much fun, right? She was probably scared and nervous, too. What about Joseph? Do you think he was worried about Mary? Do you think he wished there had been a more appropriate place for them to stay that night? Now let's also consider how far the wise men traveled in search of Jesus. I wonder if their feet were hurting? I wonder if they were tired of carrying all of their belongings and the gifts? Lastly, there was our King. He was basically born in a barn and then his first bed was a feeding trough for animals. I bet he was pretty uncomfortable, too. As you get uncomfortable today, remember how true those feelings were for the people you are representing." 

I haven't really stopped thinking about this conversation. It is natural for kids to grumble and say things like that in costume but something really special has come from this small moment - an epiphany of sorts. God sent his only Son for us and gave Him up for us - sacrificial, painful love. Mary gave birth to Jesus in a stable - blinding, fearful trust. Jesus was born and slept his first nights in a manger - humbly, meekly and a totally unexpected entrance for a King. Jesus then was crucified on a cross for our sins - excruciating obedience. All were beyond uncomfortable so that God could fulfill the ultimate love story which begins as, well, Christmas. 

We are not called to be Christians to live a life of comfort. We are called to be uncomfortable. We are called to step out and be His hands and feet, his disciples, in exchange for an everlasting, forgiven life. 

I pondered this. What does it mean for me? The next time I'm in a hurry at the grocery store, I need to take a millisecond to smile or offer a "Merry Christmas" to a stranger. I need to give financially more often to help others (even if I "can't afford to"). I need be more obedient to the Holy Spirit when I feel pushed to do the right thing in those moments of weakness. I need to give of my time. I need to tell others about Jesus and how much I love Him. None of these discomforts even come close to the pain He felt for us. 

I don't know about you, but I have definitely been the one to complain about the itchy, often crooked, halo. I have failed to see that the moments of discomfort in life are the ones where we have the opportunity to shine more brightly for our Lord and Savior. We can be thankful for our itchy halos and too-tight crowns. After all, what a privilege it is to wear them at all.  

"I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." John 10:10

Merriest Christmas,

Lauren

(See also Matthew 28:19)

Forever Mine

Dear Sweet Julia,

After I put you in new, one size-up pajamas after your big girl bath time and rocked you to bed, I have to write this to you. We had a wonderful day; you have become quite my little sidekick: We walked almost five miles on the Swamp Rabbit with new mama and baby friends. We took the dogs to the vet for their check-up. I gave you cantaloupe, green beans and even a bite of ham with your pureed, squash dinner. We blew bubbles on the bench in the backyard and you giggled and belly laughed at them. What a wonder you are, Julia. What joy you bring to me and us, my littlest love.

You see, as I was rocking you, I sang a variety of songs like I try to do on most nights. I sang "Amazing Grace" last but added in the "My Chains are Gone" verses on repeat. Something just struck a chord with me during that quiet time. The lyrics were a great reminder that I have been saved from the darkness and toils of this world. I am found in Christ. I pray that you will know this truth and hold it in your heart so that you can show grace, love, and mercy to everyone. Our world needs those things so desperately.

I also realized, in the last line, "You'll be forever Mine...You are forever Mine" I want/wish to apply those verses to my relationship with YOU but I can't. I love you so much my heart could burst. I love you so much that tears fill my eyes just thinking about how much I love you and how much I want to protect you. But, you are a gift entrusted to me from our Father. Our time on this earth is fleeting and fast; it isn't forever. (Unfortunately that whole "put a brick on your head" doesn't actually stop you from growing up too quickly.) I just thought you would stay a baby so much longer. And it hit me..."you are forever Mine" is a lyric that reveals a gleam in words of His love for us -- His children. As I rocked and felt totally at peace and content holding you, looking at your sleeping eyes and your tiny hands resting on me, I felt God's love. He sees the best in us. He loves us so much. We are His children forever. What a beautiful thing. I cannot imagine if I love you as much as I do just how much He loves us. I cannot imagine how much He wants for us to love Him back and to have a relationship with Him.

One day, I hope you get to be a mama. It is SUCH a glorious gift no matter how it comes to be. He lets a mother's love be that great to give us a glimpse of the love He has for us. I believe He also gives us children to show us how He views us: unblemished, unique, full of potential, and in constant need of grace, guidance, and protection.

I love you, Julia. He loves you more. He chose us to be yours. We'll be forever His. You'll be forever His.

Love,

Your Mama

Strong For Her Tasks - a letter to Julia

My Sweet Julia,

Today is my last day of maternity leave with you. I have been dreading this day since before you were even born. To be honest, I never could really imagine myself as a "working mom" but God has a different plan.

I have adored caring for you each and every day, uninterrupted. You have somehow had a way of slowing me down but speeding my life up drastically - it's the strange time continuum of having a new baby and becoming a new mama. How has it been 10 weeks? I love each moment - the smiles and the cries, dressing you up and hanging up your laundry to dry, rocking you to bed and being greeted each morning by your sweet, rested eyes, breast feeding and pumping. I love putting little hats on you and tucking you in a warm blanket before we leave the house. I love crafting new headbands for your tiny head. I loved holding you and calming you down after first doctor visits. I loved that first time I took you to the Fresh Market and nearly knocked everyone down in our path with bucket seat in one arm and the grocery basket in the other. I loved introducing you to everyone and having friends and family in and out constantly. I still clearly remember the first time I was sure you really saw me for the first time. I loved blocking the rest of my world out to focus on you.

I want you to know, though, that I am going to work for a reason. I am going to help provide for our family. I am going to teach twenty children how to read and give them a safe, fun, and nurturing place to learn. I am on a mission while I am not with you. You, my child, have a mission too. You get to know and spend time with your Mams, Dee Dee, and your Daddy. God has given you this very special time to get to bond with your grandmothers and your Daddy. As much as I am going to miss you each day and look back on this time with much nostalgia and fondness, I am also going to be grateful. We have been given MANY blessings.

Your Daddy reminded me, as I was in tears about this time of transition, that I have to choose to be positive. He's so right. You will have hard times in your life and you really do have to choose to be positive. My mind was flooding with all the seemingly impossible tasks. How can I be a great teacher and leave at or before 4pm? How will the house stay clean? How will I continue to breastfeed and pump for you? How will I get ready and out the door each morning? How will I have time to cook and enjoy our family in the evenings?  He reminds me that I am a strong woman. God reminds me that I am a strong woman and that women are made to be pretty darn incredible creatures (see Proverbs 31:10-31).

I am sure that in a few weeks, it will still be challenging. I will still miss you and wonder what you are doing when I am not around. But, the coolest thing, Julia, is that I will always be your mama. No one will ever replace me. Our bond is like nothing I have ever experienced. I am so in awe of you and pinch myself every day to make sure you aren't a dream. You really are such a miracle. Please know, little one, that I love you so very much. Today may be my last day of this very special time called maternity leave but it's still just at the start of this awesome journey as your mama.

Love,

 Your Mommy

For Now

For Now

your hands

have never

picked a flower

gripped an ice cream cone

opened a book

examined a seashell

tossed a ball

twirled your hair

pointed across the way

kept a beat

wiped a tear

painted wildly

clapped in delight

written a letter

captured a bug

maneuvered a wheel

put on a dress

helped you shout

splashed in the lake

squeezed a teddy

turned on a light

rolled out some dough

petted a kitten

dropped something

reached for a hug

but

they hold mine tightly, for now.

Happy 2 Months, lady Julia! Mama loves you so.

What do you do?

Happy [snowy] Tuesday, friends! For those of you who don't know, I have spent this year (since our move back to Greenville) doing a few different things. I substitute teach, I nanny a 14 month old boy, and volunteer a tiny bit. I must say that, at times, life seems so in-between.

No, I wont lie to you and say that it's been easy breezy. At times, there's this huge cloud hovering over my head that cracks a thundering whip of guilt for not having a seamless "career." It's become the culture we live in for everyone to  stay busy and work all the time.

Be honest: How many times are you out and get the question, "So, what do you do?" I know I have asked it and had it asked of me countless times. It's like that's the defining element of a person but is it fair? I went back to school to get my teaching license for the past two years for a reason. I want to teach and have a career. I want a definitive schedule and a "plan." I want to be able to answer that question with: "I teach." I just can't right now. [Just to be clear, I know that all the things I do right now are real jobs and real work with real pay but I didn't go to school or back to school for what I am currently doing.]

Here's the BIG but: I have realized that this time is such a gift. It's a little quieter, less stressful, and, for once, I am less anxious and calm(er). This IS God's plan for me right now. This is where He wants me. He is providing for me/us in so many wonderful ways and I am grateful. I am trying to sleep more, read a little and do things I love. I even feel like a better wife, friend, daughter, etc.

I am finally understanding what it's like to breathe and give myself grace. It's ok that some days my schedule is blank or that my To Dos are fewer. After all, the past couple of years have been a wild ride; the engine has slowed and I guess I am up for an oil change (to stick with the metaphor). For anyone out there who's in a similar stage, enjoy it! You and I both know it wont last. Life changes all the time. Stillness is good. Days off are great.

Now, tell me, what is it that you do? 

How did that make you feel? Do you like to be defined by your job? Does that question ever offend any of you? What alternative question should we ask? Are you too busy these days? [These are as rhetorical as you wish them to be. Comment below if you want!]

Give yourself grace starting today no matter what season you're in. Thankfully, we don't have to answer to anyone but Him. :)

Love,

Lauren